7 Lessons I Learned from 7 Housemates
“Along with our suitcases, we bring this baggage with us and have to figure out how it’s all going to fit with someone else’s baggage.”
During my six years in Southeast Asia, I lived with seven different people. They came from the United States, Europe, and Australia, and all stayed for a different length of time, from a few weeks to two years. I became good friends with a few of them and we still keep in touch. Others I haven’t talked to since we said goodbye. Thanks to these seven ladies, I learned a few lessons along the way. Some of these could apply to interacting with people in general, but sharing a house with someone is different than having a co-worker or living in the same part of town. We obviously all come from different backgrounds, with our own unique life experiences and expectations. Along with our suitcases, we bring this baggage with us and have to figure out how it’s all going to fit with someone else’s baggage.
Give Grace
This might be the most important lesson to put into practice. Even if we have a lot in common with someone, we are all still people, and therefore when two or more of us share a living space, there will be tension. This might mean a small disagreement about what to watch on tv or a bigger conflict like clearly breaking the agreed upon house rules. Not everything in a shared living space will go the way you want, but sometimes that’s ok. If you can take a step back and realize something is actually just a matter of preference and not worth a confrontation, give grace and let it go. If something needs addressing, do it calmly and kindly, realizing they might have a few things to bring up with you, too.
Give Space
Personally, I am a big fan of alone time and a huge homebody. No matter where in the world my home is at any given time, that’s my favorite place to be. And if I can be home alone, that’s the best. That was hard to do with housemates who worked from home or had a similar schedule to mine. I think it’s great if housemates can become friends, but if you know your housemate appreciates alone time, be mindful of that. Realize that she might need some time away from you. My first housemate and I are still close friends, but we both enjoyed some time either home or away without the other one. You don’t have to do everything together.
Ask Questions
Make an effort to get to know your housemate as a person. What do they enjoy about their job? What brought them to your city? As you live together longer, your conversations can turn to deeper topics. If you know their grandfather in their home country has been sick, ask how he’s doing. Ask about the conflict they’ve been having with coworkers. Ask what they miss about their home country.
Be Respectful
As you ask questions and get to know your housemate, you will learn their preferences. If you know they like to go to bed early, use your headphones at night. If you agreed to a laundry schedule, follow it or let them know when you won’t be able to. Be respectful of their space and possessions. Don’t go in their room without permission. Ask before eating their food. If they confide something in you, keep it confidential.
Communicate Honestly
Honesty builds trust, which is a vital piece in a healthy relationship. When asked questions, give honest answers. If something is really bothering you, speak up. Don’t hold it in and let it fester, causing bitterness and stress between you. If they’ve given you permission and you see something in their life that you think they could improve, speak the truth in love. I’ve grown a lot as a person through the words of a housemate who was willing to speak wisdom into my life.
Spend Time Together
It’s awfully hard to develop a friendship without spending time together. You don’t have to be best friends, but doing things together will foster a healthier relationship. A couple times I had weekly dinners with a housemate, or we found a TV show we both enjoyed. Especially if each of your days look different, I would encourage you to find time to regularly catch up on life.
Accept Unmet Expectations
Sometimes a living situation will not go at all how you planned. I moved in with one housemate knowing she would drive me to school and home every day. I had hoped we would spend time together outside of that, but I was wrong. It didn’t take long after meeting her to realize we had very different interests and she was not interested in becoming friends. I can understand not wanting to invest time into a friendship with a short termer, but I was still disappointed. It did give me a different perspective, though, and encouraged me to welcome other newcomers, no matter how long they’re planning on staying.
I hope you can learn some things from my experience. What has your experience with housemates been? What have you learned? I would love to hear lessons from the rest of you.
